It is fall, the paths in Yorkshire are glazed with a rich leaf pigment. The air bitter but not cold enough to freeze. The morning still early due to the radiant red and yellow light beginning to peer over the horizon, each cobbled walled house beginning to awaken with a stretch. The newspaper covered homeless people begin to pack their belongings and move to their next street, taking all worry and doubt with them. The sun lets streaks of light burst through the grey clouds. A thin ghosted body of white follows the path through the small township, removing visibility to the naked eye.
Listen. The birds build high pitch mimics of the wind whistling through their mouths, not a singular note out of range. The grass crispy due to the previous night’s frost. Howels of wolves are let out, causing shivers down the people’s spines, with a crunch of the gravel each worker heads off for the day. Hear the thunder generate power through the sky, letting out unsettling bursts. The cries of the newborn babies and the hushes of the mothers. The footsteps are loud and the words are quiet.
It is towards the east where the small family lives, creaky floors can be heard from the outside and the sounds of four peaceful snores, bodies will continue to lay still until a swift hand hits 9. Above the house is a field, a musty green blanket, the smell of burning wood lingers through the air, hands exposed blister with goosebumps. The embers of the burnoff still made apparent on the ground, the smell of petrol remains in the air. The windows hold a frosted glaze, the white paint peels from the walls. The sound of water drops hitting the pale vibrate throughout the house. Dark Shadows bounce off the walls, all different shapes and sizes.
See the orange pastel colours of the sky turn to a black and white film, the shadows grow larger, a deafening black. The lightning produces bright light and vanishes again. The chests of the sleeping family begin to rise with pace, the rhythm of their hearts begin to pulse through the air. Curtains shut in each house, followed by doors and windows. Eyes peer out of the houses, looks that could kill. Fingers scale the outer wood of the house, oblivious to the splinters pulsating through the skin. See the water submerge the lungs, breaths are lost.
Water breaks your forehead, your breath begins to normalise a steady beat. Your mind bounces through different situations, scrambled images come and go. For now, your nightmare is over but the story of the family has only just started.
Hi Kirsten,
Well done on making a start with this.
During this early stage, I encourage you to think about how you can build the ‘fear’ or ‘unease’ into your scene through the language you use to describe the setting. At the moment, the ‘scream’ seems to come out of nowhere and I cannot follow what is is trying to achieve.
Look to avoid repeated word choices within the same sentence and paragraph unless it serves a particular purpose.
Try to use devices such as personification and metaphor to develop your scene. Have a look back over our class notes on some of the techniques you can use to further some of your ideas.
Mrs. P
Hi Kirsten,
Well done on working so productively on this over the assessment periods in class. You are now at the editing stage which is awesome!
During our final two hours, I encourage you to:
– Read your work for technical accuracy (spelling, punctuation and grammar). Look carefully at your use of tense. You need to maintain the same tense throughout your work. You also have many small grammar errors. These need to be corrected.
– At the moment, there is an inconsistent nature to your work. At times, you really manage to capture that underlying ‘creepy’ feeling of the town and your house. Something just doesn’t seem right. Then, in other moments, you revert to telling the reader the details or using figurative devices that seem out of place. Look to identify the areas where you lapse in your development of tone and remedy them.
– Develop your final paragraph and the build up to it further. At the moment, it is simply “then you wake up”. Look to capture the feelings and reactions of a nightmare more vividly.
Mrs. P